As we get older, it's the inevitable that people we cherish and love will pass on. Its just a fact of life and with the loss of a loved one comes (the also unavoidable) feelings of pain and sorrow. Fact: IT SUCKS!. However, for the most part, when you are an adult and you eventually have to experience the lost of a parent or maybe grandparent for example, you generally manage to make it through. Of course you mourn and naturally the first few yrs are tough especially during the holidays, birthdays anniversaries and so on, but overall we manage to cope, adjust and move forward in life.
We may hear from friends and family members things like, "they are at peace now" or "they're finally back with/reunited with (insert name of previously deceased loved one here), which to an extent, gives us some sort of comfort since, after all..we love them..we want them to be happy, at peace and so on. So in situations like that it DOES get easier. As adults, we've come to realize and accept the fact that death WILL at some point, come knocking on the doors of our elders. We may not LIKE IT, but we understand that its a must and simply a part of life. Its...well...natural.
BUT...what about those situations that seem...UNnatural? Like when you lose a parent or grandparent but are still just a child yourself? Or maybe you are the parent and you lose your child unexpectedly (or anytime!
such as with terminal illness)...What about sudden death like murder, suicide or maybe a freak car accident? Does it get easier then?? Well..that's a bit tougher to answer...and maybe...there really ISN'T an answer!
By the time my two older kids were 8 and 10, they had already buried their baby brother (my youngest) and their father. Their brother was born at 25-26 weeks gestation, fought hard, beat the odds, was thriving and then at 8 months old died suddenly due to doctor (not one but two) screw ups! Their father, after struggling for some time with depression (that few knew about) and alcoholism, ended up committing suicide. Its coming on 12 yrs since my youngest passed away and it has been 8 yrs since my ex died...Has it REALLY gotten any easier?? Well, yes and no I suppose...I mean we've long since come to terms with the painful fact that they just aren't with us any more. We have accepted the fact that there wasn't, isn't and never will be any "firsts" with either of them..No first steps or words..no first Christmas, or birthday, no first day at school and so on to be had with my little one, their baby brother..There was also no sharing first dates, first day of high school, first dances and so on for my kids with their father. There is no sharing excellent report cards, school awards, birthdays, holidays and so on..He wont be there to watch our son graduate from high school in June..he will never be there to walk our daughter down the aisle someday when she gets married..We have accepted this...we don't like it by any means, but we've accepted it. Has it gotten easier though?? Yes and no. YES, we've adapted, we've adjusted our lives to the fact that THIS IS HOW IT FUCKING IS, they aren't here with us anymore! I mean what choice did we have really?!
HOWEVER...Not a day goes by that we don't miss them. Not a birthday or Christmas goes by that my kids don't wonder "WHY DADDY?!" and wish they would or could get that phone call or visit from him. Not a day goes by that I DON'T MISS HIM..yes he was my ex and yes things were messed up off and on for years but you know what?! He and I became friends, close friends..He was the father of my kids..I was the mother of his...He was my comic relief and my buddy and I was his voice of reason, sound board and his friend.
Not a day goes by where I dont wish my beautiful angel baby, my sweet miracle boy was here for me to hug and smother with kisses and love. Every breath I take and have taken for the past nearly 12 yrs I've wished I could share with him...even if it only gave me one more day..Just one day to hold him tight and tell him I love him forever...
Has it gotten easier?...No..in so many ways, it really hasn't...they still aren't here.
DOES IT get easier??...yes??..No??..Maybe??...Sort of??...It depends??...
*big sigh*...Honestly World..I just don't know...Only you can answer that for yourself...I DO know though...that for us...when it happens..we manage...good, bad...we manage, we cope..maybe that's all there is...I just don't really have a solid answer I guess...Maybe there really isn't one.
It just fucking sucks...and THAT I do know..
~ Namaste ~
~ Me
October 17, 2011
March 22, 2011
Don't Be Fooled By Me
DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME ~ author unknown
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within me as well as without. But don't believe me, please!
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear and in loneliness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, and I know it. That is if it’s followed by love. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself. That I am worth something.
But I won’t tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh at me and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm no good, so I play my game, my desperate game with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing that is really everything, of what’s crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen very carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what, for survival I NEED to say but what I CAN'T say.
I dislike hiding, honestly! I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand, even when its the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare and breathing death. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creator of a person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely person. Do not pass me by. Please.....do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing I cry out for, but I am told that love is stronger than walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive. Who am I you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, for I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within me as well as without. But don't believe me, please!
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear and in loneliness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, and I know it. That is if it’s followed by love. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself. That I am worth something.
But I won’t tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh at me and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm no good, so I play my game, my desperate game with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing that is really everything, of what’s crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen very carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what, for survival I NEED to say but what I CAN'T say.
I dislike hiding, honestly! I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand, even when its the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare and breathing death. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creator of a person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely person. Do not pass me by. Please.....do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing I cry out for, but I am told that love is stronger than walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive. Who am I you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, for I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
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