Nov, 2016
It was "decided" early on in my mothers pregnancy (that's for another blog) that I would be given up for adoption. She was sent away to have me and after my birth she left and went back home, I stayed down here and by 3 months old I was adopted. My name was legally changed and life began with these people...problem was, I always knew I was "different", not theirs etc..I mean it was pretty obvious considering they're all short and white..whereas me, yea, not so much..As I got older other "differences" began to show, for example, my personality, was very different..hell the truth is, everything about me was different. Soon enough, I had questions... and I needed answers...I was curious and rightfully so. I asked, I was denied...
...."We are not separate or different from those born with a heritage they have always had knowledge of and the freedom to investigate further if they so choose. Being denied information concerning myself that is not denied a non-adoptee is degrading and cruel...what an invasion of humanity...to close up human life as a vault somewhere and say, you may not know about yourself - you have no right to even ask...Your anxieties are neurotic, your curiosity unnatural."....
~ Unknown
"Your anxieties are neurotic, your curiosity unnatural"...EXCUSE ME?! So wanting to know who I am, where I come from and why I'm where I am is neurotic and unnatural??? Wanting to fill that gap, that massive void inside me and finally finding out how I fit, where I fit, is neurotic and unnatural?? I'm sorry but that belief, that attitude is beyond horrible IMO. Yet many of us adoptees unfortunately are told that or have words to that effect thrown at us. We are told we are betrayers, ungrateful and selfish for wanting to know our biological history. We are told that we have no right to know. We are often made to feel so guilty for wondering and wanting to know that we are basically conned into NOT starting or continuing our search for truth and answers. All of these things are hurtful, cruel and I would go as far as borderline psychologically abusive. Would someone who believes this or has this mindset tell their biological child they have no right to know about their family? Would a biological child be considered by their parents to be "neurotic" and having an "unnatural curiosity" when they start asking about the family? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "no!"... Chances are those children start hearing the stories and comments ("oh you look so much like Uncle Fred!".."oh that's definitely one of your mothers traits/you get that from your grandfather" etc etc) from a very young age. Those children can go through the family photo albums and see for themselves where they get their physical features from. We adoptees don't have that luxury. We grow up feeling out of place, disconnected, like a square peg trying to fit into a family of round holes. Our curiosity isn't unnatural at all, in fact, it's quite the opposite...During adolescence is it VERY natural to go through that "who am I" stage...Starting on the road of self discovery and trying to figure out who we are, where we fit in and so on is perfectly normal and we ALL do it, it's part of growing up. It's human nature...we're adopted, not aliens...
For an adoptee to be denied the right to search for answers, to be bullied into never trying, or never given that chance to be a whole being is vicious. Many of us grow up feeling lost and for some of us, feeling so very alone, the pain of that on its own is tough enough but when you add to it the hurt of hearing from the people who are suppose to love us as their own telling us no we can't, shouldn't etc that hurt becomes magnified and the damage can be life long...and don't get me started on what its like for a child of a different race (like in my situation)
Growing up knowing that I was given away by my birth-parents was hard. Not knowing the truth in its entirety as to why was even harder (all I knew when I was a kid and teen was they were young). Being told I was ungrateful for wanting to know...how dare I be curious...being made to feel that I was wrong and a horrible person for wanting to know...well...that put it over the top. I've gone through my life feeling alone, unloved, unwanted and very empty inside....and this unfortunately was carried over to my children...
During our teen years, as I mentioned earlier, it's normal for us to begin on the road of self discovery, its human nature and, as I also mentioned, not being able to do that is damaging enough. Fast forward to an adoptees adult years..when we have children of our own...and they start on that road during their teen years...and we have nothing to tell them. Just imagine for a second, how that must feel. Step out of your lives for a moment and try to feel what it must be like to not only have suffered through your younger years with that empty, lonely, disconnected feeling and into adulthood but then sadly have to watch your own children go through life with a partially misplaced feeling too. Trust me when I say, it is heartbreaking. I have 2 kids, both now in their 20's, and though they've always had myself and their father (who btw, was also adopted but was raised by a wonderful, loving couple..sadly all three of them have passed on) in their lives to see where they get their looks and certain traits from...sadly that's as far as its ever gone. I had no stories to tell them of our family history, I had no pictures to share of their biological grandparents (or any family member) or anecdotes to share about Great Aunt So n So etc...I've had to watch my kids suffer, feel out of place and disconnected...simply because they are an extension of me and I've never known who I am, where I come from. Another thing people who deny us seem to forget about is the medical aspect. Our looking for and finding answers also has the potential to protect not only ourselves but also our children when it comes to medical issues..something that is extremely important as far as I'm concerned.
To any adoptive parent, to anyone considering adopting..please pay attention...when the time comes and the child you've brought into your home starts asking perfectly normal questions about their heritage...don't lie to them, don't deny them or shame them. Help them find the answers they need. Just because they want to know who they are DOES NOT mean they don't love you or plan on packing their bags and going back to their biological parents! They just want to fill that massive whole, they just want to feel complete. It's their RIGHT..please don't deny them that, don't take that away from them.
To any adoptee..if at any point you've felt that need to search for answers, for the truth, to find how or where you fit in and maybe to feel a little less empty and lost in the world...DO IT...Never EVER let anyone shame you into thinking you are wrong for wanting, NEEDING that...never EVER let anyone convince you that you haven't the right or that your curiosity is unnatural. They are WRONG! You DO have a right and your curiosity is perfectly natural and normal. If you genuinely feel that you want to go and try to find the answers, any answers you can in order to have some peace of mind..then do it..
IT. IS. OUR. RIGHT!
For an adoptee to be denied the right to search for answers, to be bullied into never trying, or never given that chance to be a whole being is vicious. Many of us grow up feeling lost and for some of us, feeling so very alone, the pain of that on its own is tough enough but when you add to it the hurt of hearing from the people who are suppose to love us as their own telling us no we can't, shouldn't etc that hurt becomes magnified and the damage can be life long...and don't get me started on what its like for a child of a different race (like in my situation)
Growing up knowing that I was given away by my birth-parents was hard. Not knowing the truth in its entirety as to why was even harder (all I knew when I was a kid and teen was they were young). Being told I was ungrateful for wanting to know...how dare I be curious...being made to feel that I was wrong and a horrible person for wanting to know...well...that put it over the top. I've gone through my life feeling alone, unloved, unwanted and very empty inside....and this unfortunately was carried over to my children...
During our teen years, as I mentioned earlier, it's normal for us to begin on the road of self discovery, its human nature and, as I also mentioned, not being able to do that is damaging enough. Fast forward to an adoptees adult years..when we have children of our own...and they start on that road during their teen years...and we have nothing to tell them. Just imagine for a second, how that must feel. Step out of your lives for a moment and try to feel what it must be like to not only have suffered through your younger years with that empty, lonely, disconnected feeling and into adulthood but then sadly have to watch your own children go through life with a partially misplaced feeling too. Trust me when I say, it is heartbreaking. I have 2 kids, both now in their 20's, and though they've always had myself and their father (who btw, was also adopted but was raised by a wonderful, loving couple..sadly all three of them have passed on) in their lives to see where they get their looks and certain traits from...sadly that's as far as its ever gone. I had no stories to tell them of our family history, I had no pictures to share of their biological grandparents (or any family member) or anecdotes to share about Great Aunt So n So etc...I've had to watch my kids suffer, feel out of place and disconnected...simply because they are an extension of me and I've never known who I am, where I come from. Another thing people who deny us seem to forget about is the medical aspect. Our looking for and finding answers also has the potential to protect not only ourselves but also our children when it comes to medical issues..something that is extremely important as far as I'm concerned.
To any adoptive parent, to anyone considering adopting..please pay attention...when the time comes and the child you've brought into your home starts asking perfectly normal questions about their heritage...don't lie to them, don't deny them or shame them. Help them find the answers they need. Just because they want to know who they are DOES NOT mean they don't love you or plan on packing their bags and going back to their biological parents! They just want to fill that massive whole, they just want to feel complete. It's their RIGHT..please don't deny them that, don't take that away from them.
To any adoptee..if at any point you've felt that need to search for answers, for the truth, to find how or where you fit in and maybe to feel a little less empty and lost in the world...DO IT...Never EVER let anyone shame you into thinking you are wrong for wanting, NEEDING that...never EVER let anyone convince you that you haven't the right or that your curiosity is unnatural. They are WRONG! You DO have a right and your curiosity is perfectly natural and normal. If you genuinely feel that you want to go and try to find the answers, any answers you can in order to have some peace of mind..then do it..
IT. IS. OUR. RIGHT!
~ Namaste
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