The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

This is THE most brilliant way to describe life for someone with a Chronic Illness be it physical or mental

The Spoon Theory

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

© Christine Miserandino

For the NON-Borderline Personality Disorder people in our lives...

This was NOT written by me..I came across it a few yrs back and it just sat right with me (I have BPD)...

"Dear Non-BPD,

Many of us who have Borderline Personality Disorder, we know how difficult it is to have us in your life.  We know how hard it is to hear us in our depths of despair.  We know how we may come across as manipulative, controlling, unwilling to change, attention-seeking, even intolerable.  We know. But step back for a moment, really look at us.  Inside, you will find the most compassionate, empathetic, kind, giving people you will meet.  Yes, you are tired of the chaos– as tired as you are, we are drained, worn down.  Yes, you feel trapped by the relationship, as trapped as you feel we are birds banging our heads against the cage wanting to fly. I implore you, do not tell us we do nothing to improve, we have been seeking help most of our lives, we have been fighting to get “normal” forever.  We have been actually getting up every morning, this in itself is comparable to climbing Mount Everest, this is “doing something.” 

We are not about control, manipulation, lies, we are about fear.  We love you, possibly more than most people can feel love and are in sheer terror of losing you, this is the control you speak of.  Don’t turn your back on us (unless you are in danger of your life, but most BPD’s I have met hurt only themselves).  For when you turn your back on us, you have reinforced the idea that we are unworthy, hopeless, and cannot make it in this world. 

Be clear about what you mean, extremely clear, because what you say is perceived by us as something different.  Be reassuring. Don’t say, “I can’t take this right now,” simply start the sentence differently… “You have every right to feel the way you do, but can we talk later. I will call you back at such and such a time.”  Be validating. 

Don’t ignore a text or a phone call, we have been ignored all our lives and feel invisible.  Don’t tell others that we are “crazy.”  We are a lot healthier than most people walking around ignoring their feelings, we are learning how to cope. 

Don’t tell us we are being overly dramatic, overly sensitive, we are not dramatic, our feelings are real and yes, we are overly sensitive, but is that such a bad thing?  I am proud to say that I am sensitive, I am proud to say that when I love, I love with all my soul, I am proud to say that I do understand you, but can you even try to understand me? 

Remember too that not all people with Borderline Personality Disorder are the same. Some, like me, are known as the quiet borderline. I torture myself. I turn my pain inward on myself. I do not take my pain or anger out on anyone but myself. There are others with BPD that act out there pain in your direction. We are not all the same.

I am not here preaching about how BPD’s should be catered to.  As an analogy: if we had cancer, would you say “I’m tired of taking you for your treatments, fight this on your own?”  For some, BPD is as terminal as cancer.  As long as they are in treatment and learning to cope, be there, because one day that bird that is banging their head against the cage will fly free and you will miss the opportunity to fly with them…

Fia Marie"

Publicly shaming our kids as punishment!?!? Who's freakin bright idea was THAT one??

*deep breath* 

Public Shaming/Humiliation IS NOT a new tactic for punishment..in fact, its been around for 100's of years and was commonplace way back. Up until recently, it wasn't something we really heard of occurring here in Canada (or the U.S for that matter) as a means of punishment in general..let alone as a means of discipline for our kids and teens. The past couple yrs though, it seems to be back and a quickly growing trend among parents as a means of putting their kids in place for a wrong-doing. Quite frankly, I have issues with this! Big issues with it actually..

When I was a kid in the 70's, if we did something wrong it was normal to get a swat or 5 on the ass either with a firm hand, or in some households, with a wooden spoon, a belt, a ruler, a shoe ("slipper slapping" IMO was at an all time high back then) or whatever object a parent could quickly get their hands on to clip you with! Corporal punishment was the norm both at home and in school..(yes kiddies, our teachers and principals were in fact allow to give us a whollup, usually with a ruler, for being naughty little bastards)...Even in the 90's when I brought my Spawns of Satan into the world, a slap on the butt or tap on the mouth was still fairly acceptable, however in the early-ish to mid 2000's that changed and corporal punishment became a very taboo thing and in some areas prohibited either with or without conditions (example = in Canada the parent or legal guardian WAS allowed to spank their child provided they were no younger than 2 or older than 12 and it was done ONLY with the hand. That may have changed). Add to that the fact that kids were being told that if they were spanked (aka hit) by their parents/caregivers they could call the police and/or organizations like FACS ("Family & Children's Services"), they suddenly had a voice that would be heard for a change. HOLY CRAP that became a shit storm! Kids started using it as a threat to get away with being unruly, parents were livid that the system decided they could interfere in the homes..it was just a mess!

 To an extent I am ok with the law getting involved SIMPLY BECAUSE I knew of too many parents in my general age group who were taking it way to far, it wasn't punishment anymore, but straight up child abuse which is something I'm VERY passionately against. On the other hand though, the right to discipline our kids seemed to have been taken away entirely in the eyes of many and sadly a lot of parents threw up their hands in frustration and basically didn't discipline their kids at all out of fear of what the consequences might be! Sure enough we ended up with a shitload of disrespectful, wayward kids running around with no worries of getting in trouble! 

Fast forward to 2012-2013-ish and suddenly there are new stories about a couple of parents (separate cases) disciplining their kids by way of Public Shaming..kinda made me cock my head a little and frown but that's about it because I figured it was just 1 or 2 incidents that would be dealt with in the courts and it'd be done...WELL I was so wrong on that one! Here we are in 2015 and if you do a search online you will find DOZENS upon DOZENS+ of home videos of kids being punished this way! IN FACT you can also find news reports of courts also using this method as a means of punishment for adults...but I'm not concerned with that....Its the kids I worry about...

Bullying has become an extremely serious issue the past several yrs and sadly there have been more than a few cases where the end result was the death of the victim, often by their own hand. The damage, the pain and suffering a victim of bullying goes through is massive...and heartbreaking! It's abuse and one rarely comes out the other side of being regularly abused without issues..There was a time when bullying was thought of to be strictly a physical thing, however nowadays, we know this isn't the case. Bullying comes in many forms including verbal and mental/emotional. Well IMO, publicly shaming your kids for doing something wrong IS BULLYING! It's ABUSE! It can also have serious, possibly long lasting psychological consequences...

I'm sure many of you are shaking your heads and kissin your teeth in disagreement but hear me out....You're kid does something wrong, whether its skipping school or back talking you or any one of the other reasons a kid would get in trouble for and as punishment for it you not only make them stand on the busiest corner in the city at the busiest time, wearing a sandwich sign stating what it is they've done wrong and how they are "ungrateful" and "stupid" for doing it and "a bad child/son/daughter/person" but then you ALSO video tape it, ranting quite loudly the whole while to yourself, the camera, your child and anyone walking by with curious looks on their faces wonder what the fuck is going on and THEN you post it on your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc etc etc account AND THEIRS for all the world not only to see (and YES a good chunk of the world WILL see it) but also for anyone and their mother, father, cousin, neighbour blah blah blah to COMMENT ON IT!! As we all (should) know by now, there are assholes in the world who love nothing more than say rude, hurtful and cruel things if given half the chance and when it comes to the wonderful interwebs and people having that opportunity, there's 100x's more of those assholes just jumping on that chance. 

Now I could be wrong about this but I'd lay bets that any parent/caregiver who disciplines this way most likely reads the comments the world posts about what their stupid, ungrateful, bad child has done AND probably reads them to said child to "get the point across" even more..*big sigh*...guess what ppl?!?! THAT is abuse..you belittled them, scolded them and overall humiliated them in public..embarrassing them, shaming them...You taped it and showed it to the family, your friends, their friends, the community not once, not twice but 1000's of times over because that shit's gone world freakin wide! That's embarrassing them, shaming them AGAIN (and again and again since NOTHING online ever really goes away)...People post comments supporting your actions and scolding your kids for you....that's embarrassing them, shaming them...YET....AGAIN....and then you share some of the comments and praises, most of them being from complete strangers!, embarrassing them and shaming them...YUP..YET AGAIN!! Let's take it a bit farther..all this went down on a weekend...come Monday (Tuesday at the latest I'd figure), majority of the kids at your child's school have now seen this video..guess who's getting picked on for the next who knows how long?!?!?! YOUR KID!! So once again, you've succeeded at embarrassing them and shaming them...AGAIN!! 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?

How is this ok? WHY would a parent/caregiver think this is ok?! Were the possible psychological after effects even THOUGHT ABOUT before making this brilliant ground breaking choice?? As crazy as this sounds..I hope not! Because if you DID think it through and think about what this could and most likely would do to your child but you went ahead and did it anyway then you are a complete and total heartless, asshole!

We are suppose to be raising our kids to "treat others they way you want to be treated"...well would YOU be ok with someone pulling a stunt like that on you? I'd be inclined to think not...Would you have been ok with someone pulling this on you when you were a child or teenager?? I'd lay bets you wouldn't...

We should be raising our kids to know that words can cut like a knife and our actions can really hurt a person..but did you think about that when you were making that sign for your child to wear?

We should be raising our children to believe that they can come to us with anything, we love them unconditionally and will always be there for them, supportive and caring etc..Do you really think that after something like this they will ever come to you again when something serious is going in their lives that they need that unconditional, supportive, caring parent..Hell do you honestly believe they'll ever see you in that light again? I know I wouldn't!

Look, I get that being a parent is tough..I've raised kids myself, it's not easy by any means....but it really doesn't take a genius to figure out that this type of punishment just might not be the smartest, safest or most effective. Why not take the time to really think about it long term rather than running with the immediate "oh I'll show him/her who's boss! let's see if they ever pull THAT stunt again!!" rush of anger if that makes sense..I'm sorry but this form of punishment in my personal opinion is straight up cruel...and unnecessary..

Namaste 

~ Me

Parenting..Part 2..the Adult Yrs...

Well holy hot damn! Several years have gone by since I wrote Parenting Part 1...SO many yrs in fact, that my two oldest are now 20 and almost 22..*gasp*....I KNOW RIGHT?!?! W.T.F?! Seems like just yesterday they were itty bitty pains in my ass ;-) Now they are grown up pains in my ass LOL...Seriously though....Damn...I don't even know where to being...Do I still love being a mom? HELL YEA!! and yes even though they are grown and one is now off on his own with his sister probably not far behind, I am and always will be "Mama Bear"...The 3 of us are still very close, we still communicate openly and honestly with each other (except maybe those 2 with each other at times which of course makes me want to slap them both with a shoe), we are very protective of one another...They are still my light and life, my heart and soul...*super big sigh*....

Parenting.....man!...what a freakin trip! Seriously..its been a crazy, frustrating, sometimes scary, insane fucking ride! The BEST ride of my life! The questions, doubts, fears and such never ended while raising my kids..they just...changed....How do I handle bullying? Omg what do I do about "the talk" (sex of course)? That one was scary when it came to dealing with my son hitting puberty! Am I being the best mom I can? What if I totally fuck them up and my crazies rub off on them? OMG WHAT IF I BREAK THEM??? *gasp* OMFG WHAT IF THEY BREAK ME?!?!? *super gasp!* LOL Well I am here to tell you...we all survived!! *does a little happy dance*

Those of you who read the original Parenting article might be asking..."ok Jo...so what ARE the rules to parenting?!"...LOL Truth? I guess the best answer to that is, there really AREN'T any..I mean there ARE but we kinda just made them up as we went along really. Some of the very first ones were actually rules I put on myself FIRST then as they got older, had them follow them as well..Key ones being

~ RESPECT!
~ COMMUNICATION!
~ HONESTY 
and finally
~ TEAMWORK!

Shall I break them down for you?? Well alright then! Let's do it!! :-)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!! = I realized when they were very young that, even though they are an extension of me, they are their own beings with feelings, thoughts, opinions and personalities all their own. It was up to me to respect that even when I, at times, didn't agree with them or whatever. This was a big thing when they were young of course but as they got older it became even more important. Not just to or for me, but also them. They needed to learn to not only respect me and my role in the family but also to respect each other and basically anyone they came/come in contact with from there on out. I'm a firm believer that EVERYONE we meet in life deserves to be treated with respect UNTIL they say or do something to have that no longer apply to them. HOWEVER, most of the time its not that simple when getting kids to grasp the idea LOL...

It is NOT, IMO, ok to start disrespecting a friend just because you've had a fight over something that was most likely stupid in the first damn place (which is generally the case with kids ;-) )...eventually, the fight is water under the bridge and you become best buds again. That respect should still be there....If a teacher is an asshole to you day in and day out you MAY NOT disrespect that teacher! Not because is isn't earned due to the teachers behaviour but because that teacher is in a position of authority....O.M.F.G! Trying to get these two to grasp THAT one was hellish!! (BUT FUNNY!!)..

Short story here.....So, even though they weren't in the same grade, one semester in High School, my spawns had a math class together for whatever reason. The teacher was a bit..shall we say..."off" (he would show the kids home video of himself hypnotizing chickens and was convinced he'd been abducted by aliens, yea, he was OFF)..and already had an issue with my son (they did NOT like each other at all and constantly butted heads) from the previous yr...WELL! Gods be damned if someone is going to pick on/single out one of my kids in front of the other!! They will go to bat for each other, get super protective etc and will, if they feel its needed, verbally "gang up" (for lack of a better way to word it) on you to put you in your place and let you know that picking on their sibling is not ok. UGH..that is exactly what happened one day in this damn math class! My son being...my son LOL..pointed out that I am Pagan in response to this teacher bringing up God in class one day (MATH class remember)..Well teacher, if I remember correctly, made the mistake of saying something not so smart as his reply which in the eyes of my protective children, was a dig at their mother...O.M.F.G didn't BOTH my damn kids see this as a "go" to make comments about picking up black candles on the way home because we were sacrificing a chicken during our ritual that night after dinner!!! *face palm*..Guess who got a phone call from the teacher later that day?? *raises her hand* THIS MOM!! Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to NOT bust out laughing while the story is being retold to you by a very flustered, out of his head teacher?? IT'S HARD!! It's equally as hard to scold your children for being disrespectful to the teacher in front of the class no less without laughing your ass off..I actually failed on that one..In fact I do believe I high-fived them both...BUT they both knew that just because I was entertained in this particular case, the disrespect was NOT ok.

Anyway, teaching your kids respect and having them apply it in their lives....tricky....but a must..just wing it from your heart and you should be fine...

COMMUNICATION! TALK TO ME MAN!!

Anyone who knows me knows that communication is a HUGE thing in my life and has been for many years...I love having deep meaningful conversations..I also have no problem talking quite freely about the trauma in my past, the things I've done and so on....Communication is SO very important to me that it was only natural when I had my kids it be important to them too. I wanted, hell I NEEDED my kids to be comfortable enough to come talk to me openly about everything and anything should they want or need to. 

I truly believe that my being open with my kids and talking to them (age appropriately of course) over the yrs about things in my past, (drug use for example and the abuse I went through) has not only help our bond but also has strengthened our trust with each other. Being able to talk openly and honestly helps us resolve issues individually and as a family unit...I also believe it made it easier for them to come to me with the big issues (like my daughter coming out..not that she needed to cause I knew ;-) ) without worrying about my reaction or whether or not I'd listen etc etc....

I dunno, I can't really explain it..but trust me when I say, communication IS key..in any relationship but ESPECIALLY with your kids!!

The next two are simple;

HONESTY! JUST BE REAL!!

One thing my kids know and have ALWAYS known is that lying to me is a BIG! NO NO! I don't like being lied to by anyone but holy crap on a cracker let me tell ya, my kids have both made the mistake of lying to me when they were younger and DAMN they learned RIGHT QUICK! Honesty is a good thing...its an important thing even if its tough at times. HOWEVER being honest doesn't mean one can be a douche about it...being mindful of the feelings of others when being honest is a must! Being real..well that's something that sadly so many ppl struggle with..Be real to you...Be YOU! Don't follow the masses, don't be a sheep...Just be real! :-) 

TEAMWORK!! THERE'S NO "I" blah blah blah LOL

As much as we are individuals, we are a TEAM...We are a FAMILY! Working together makes life easier, happier and that bond so much stronger...Even when one of us is having issues or whatever, we need to work together whether that means putting our heads together to come up with a solution OR just being respectful and understanding enough to let one go through the motions ya know...Life in our house is never just about ONE of us...its about ALL of us..TOGETHER.. ;-) 

AND FINALLY...the things that really shouldn't need to be brought up but I will anyway...LAUGH!! OMFG...LAUGH! be silly! have fun! enjoy each other...and LOVE!! love each other UNCONDITIONALLY! and be sure to tell them every day that you love them!! 

I look back over the past almost 22 yrs and sometimes I cry..we've been through so much (losing my youngest/their baby brother, their fathers suicide, my being sick and the list goes on)..THEY have been through so much. It would have been nothing for the pair of them to have taken a very different road in life and ended up dead or in prison or any other negative thing..but they didn't. They fought through all the shit..they stood tall and strong..Sure they've had their downswings over the yrs but they're human, its to be expected! Even the strongest stumble at one point or another right!? ;-) 

I look at my kids now and I smile...I made my mistakes, believe me I've fucked up more than a few times in their lives but ya know what..I'm human, its to be expected. The big thing is, and maybe the most important thing... we never gave up...we DON'T give up...We respect each other, we talk it out, we are honest with one another and we work together...and we love and laugh! A LOT

I've screwed up a lot of things in my life and I readily admit it..but ya know what? I know I can leave this life knowing that I at least got ONE thing right..BEING A MOM!!

~ Namaste ~

Me